So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize
