He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
