My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
