If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
