do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
