She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I came so hard my ears popped.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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