look no pants
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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