Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
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