Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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