so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
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