I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
