is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
