My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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