I'll bet she douches with gravy.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
