Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
You made out with two different species that night
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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