If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
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