I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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