I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
