i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
