she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
