I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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