Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
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