I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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