sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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