I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
