If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
