I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
