he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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