ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Randomize
