So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
