Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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