Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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