if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
