i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
