Michael Bay diarrhea
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
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