Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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