I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Randomize
