every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
