So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
