I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Randomize
