When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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