why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
