dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
