I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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