In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Someone shattered a urinal.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
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