Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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