On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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