so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
