He asked me if I "almost moaned"
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
well most of my day revolves around power hour
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
