apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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